In my mind, Vegas is where all answers are yes. Yes, food can be delivered to your room at all ungodly hours of the AM. Yes, booze is free (if you have a vagina.) Yes, feel free to get drunk as shit in broad daylight in front of children and their families–in fact, it’s encouraged. Yes, you can take a cab through the In-N-Out drive thru (which we took full advantage — thank you, State of Nevada!)
There were a LOT of yesses this trip, and a few no’s..
– Skipping long ass taxi lines out of sheer luck. Nobody objected because the guys who let us in were drunk out of their minds/so hilarious. (Otherwise, I’m nearly positive an angry mom would’ve reamed us out.)
– Receiving ALL your stuff back after you’ve left it in your hotel room AFTER checking out. This includes the money in your wallet, passports, all ID’s, iPhones, new Forever21 dresses.. The housekeeper fills out a form, and lists everything they’ve found.
Yeah, we dun goofed our second day (we had to switch hotels) and we were freaking the fuck out. I was digging through my giant backpack while having a belated birthday lunch, and my purse (filled with my entire life) was missing. Yes, I am an idiot. (!!)
In case you do lose your passport in Vegas, you’ll have to go to the nearest Canadian Embassy (4 hours away in LA) and overnight one over ($200). My girlfriends Google’d all that up in the midst of losing our shit/while I cabbed to Planet Hollywood by myself and sat in the Lost & Found for two hours–bless them.
– While I was in the Lost & Found, I learnt that some people often leave entire suitcases filled with clothes in their room after checking out, leaving the state for weeks on end, only to call back a month later.. (what the fuck?!)
– Friends finding bags for you to throw up in while waiting for your taxi after the club (my friend asked housekeeping and came back with a bag that said “Hazardous Materials” and the skull faces all over..how fitting!)
– Checking into your 5-star hotel in a crop top and cutoffs. You will get stares, maybe even shakes of the head, but the customer service is still exceptional because money talks.
– Being invited to the table right next to Tiesto’s DJ booth, getting to shake hands with him and telling him you love him, even if you may or may not listen to his music..
– Taking THIS photo in between throwing up in an empty Fiji water bottle and throwing up for the rest of the night in a washroom:
This is the result of having full control of a 4.5L bottle of Grey Goose vodka. I was literally pouring it into my friends’ glasses going, “Wheeee!”
– Getting so drunk to the point where I was holding a can of Redbull upside down, and did not notice until my girlfriend flipped it over, and was like “KAYLYNN!!!”
– Waking up to glitter all over the room/shower/a tribute to Katy Perry’s Friday Night
– Going in for a foot soak, only to overflow the tub with bubbles.. (I used up the last of our shampoo. Oops.)
– Bay Area girls! We met a lot of people from SF that weekend, and everyone was surprised (and to our luck, delighted) that we were Canadian. One girl even said, “I didn’t know there were so many Asian people in Vancouver!” Oooh girl.. there is.
– This photo:
– Bruises that come from nowhere (although this happens in every city):
– Belated birthday cake in a bed that’s not yours..
– Drive-thru via exasperated taxi driver for a double double animal style:
– If you’re going to be a loofah for Halloween, prepare to set aside at least an hour to puff up your damn costume.
– I know all guys lie in Vegas, but at least come up with a good one. This guy who would not leave me alone said he was from LA, worked as an investor at a reputable firm, and came down every single weekend to promote at the clubs in Vegas. Like y’all must be doing sooo well at your daytime job.. Another guy told me his name was Norway because he was born in Norway. That is like my parents naming me Canada. Like what. The. Fuck.
– Just because it’s expensive, doesn’t mean it’s delicious.
Vegas is SO many crazy things. It’s both insane and disorienting to know that only a few blocks of a city is made into such a consumerist spectacle, while the rest of the city is far less dazzling. So many yesses, and yes, women get a lot of free shit but it’s at the expense of being objectified..
My girlfriends and I promised each other that in a few years, we’re going to go back and get ourselves a liquor-laden table with bottles of Grey Goose the length of our legs. And we’ll be asking club managers to fish us the most beautiful men and women in the club..
Here’s to dreaming/talking shit!
– The forbidden dress
– *In an australian accent* “I’m from Sydney—Melbourne, Sydney. And he’s my best mate,” “Nobody cares.”
– ”You can’t talk to us unless you can dance like Beyonce.”
“I’m gonna go now..”
– The monkey-in-a-tree hat
– Vannie standing with her legs apart for stability because I kept booty poppin’ into her
– The ledge—“I was watching you dance on the ledge and was thinking.. If she falls, she’s going to fall into the VIP then onto the floor under the table.”
– Sab’s hand
– The Australians
– “You go ahead and giggle your way through life!”
“That’s exactly what I’ve done.”
– “So I see your friend is gay.”
– “Can i please hold your left hand?”
“Oh my God, what is his hand doing out? Is he doing a magic trick?”
– When that Australian guy actually tried dancing like Beyonce..
– So much rum
– “I was ten and my glasses flew off, and I was blind for the rest of our trip so I’m never going on it ever again.”
“There’s a sign that says no glasses allowed, Vannie.” — about the roller coaster on top of New York, New York
– “You girls are just vain.”
“IF WE WERE VAIN WE WOULD NOT BE TALKING TO YOU. THIS IS US BEING FRIENDLY”
– “Do you have a table? My feet hurt,” — Vannie to a completely random stranger at Pure
– Dancing our ASSES off @ Tao
– The Champagne Incident
– Talking about Diplo: “That’s the kind of sexy white boy we need to find you,”
– Sab and I talking shit. Just so much unnecessary shit.
– Wanting to leave Pure to have our lesbian bubble bath
– The American girl’s birthday
– Riding the roller coaster on New York, New York, thinking it was kiddie shit, but really we started crying.
– Overflowing the jacuzzi tub with bubbles and water, drenching our entire washroom, and proceeding to have a bubble fight in the hotel room.
– “Is this a private table?”
*he sits down anyways*
– Serendipity’s frozen hot chocolate is the BOMB diggity
– “Oh, there she is. That’s the one. That’s nice, that’s niiiiice.”
– “Girl where you from? I know where you from.. you from HEAVEN.”
– “Girl what’s yo name? Is yo name TASTY?”
– “You girls are gorgeous.”
“What did she say?”
“She said no?”
– The Ivy League school boys
– “Haaapppy birthday!”
“Thanks… Here’s your shot.”
– Blueberry vodka
– “Have a shot!”
“No. I puked in my own drink last night, I think I’m ok.”
– Puking patron in my own drink and setting it down casually at the bar
– Singing “I got patron in my cup cause I puked it up!”
– WHERE ARE ALL THE SEXY PEOPLE?
– “Are you white?”
“Excuse me? Did you just ask me if I was white?”
“Yeah, and I bet you’re Jewish too”
“I AM jewish!”
– Vannie talking to a drug launderer and me screaming “NOOOOO” so loud, Sab had to cover my mouth
– Vannie and “older” men
– Yes, we’re actually Charlie’s Angels but an all Asian version and we’re here to fight crime…
– About to get into the shoe at Cosmo, casino dealer walks over and says “Girls… Get yo ass in that shoe and lets take a picture!”
– Drew Zilla
– Me kissing every female at Tao
– “All we did was listen to house music and One Direction because of Kaylynn.”
– “Yeah, he has no friends.”
2 nights later..
“He’s 5 people behind us.”
“With no friends.”
– Dinner and Cirque du Soleil
– the Diamond Lounge
– “His name is Jesus Ortiz!”
“That’s probably a fake name. I mean, look at you. You just said ‘Oh my God, his name is Jesus Ortiz.’ “ — and that night, Jesus Ortiz showed me his ID, proving that his name is indeed Jesus Ortiz.
– Jesus Ortiz is actually the nicest man ever
– *smiling* “What did he say?” “I have no idea” — this every night
– Almost missing our flight because we were playing slots @ the airport. Got yelled at by the guy who lets people on at the gate. We are obviously future Diamond cardholders
– Dragging 5 gallons of water from Walgreens back to our hotel
– Ashley, Serena, and Anna
– Vannie objectifying men who objectify us:
“HEY! YOU’RE CHINESE. YOU’RE HOT”
“HEY, YOU’RE WHITE AND I KINDA WANT SEE YOUR SIX PACK BUT I DON’T KNOW IF YOU HAVE ONE”
– “Oh my God, like look at her dress, she didn’t even cut those strappy thing you use to hang it on store hangers,” — us talking shit, who do we think we are?
– “If he looked that sexy last night, and this ugly in real light.. I don’t even want to know how we look.”
– Pink’s chilli cheese dogs are life itself
– Hating the MGM Grand just sooooo much. Sooo much
– Stealing M&M’s from the M&M Factory because it’s a conspiracy
– “Evening, y’all!” — Southern accents are the best.
Heard something funny the other day: Ladies, always be one shade more beautiful than you are crazy.
Y’all will be hearing about our Vegas shenanigans in good time.. Not ready to expose all my secrets within the first few posts!